Online Dating: Must Love ...
Chasing Your Own Tail?
March 2, 2018
Online dating seems like a good idea, right? You put up a few pictures, tell everyone a little about yourself, then expect the commercials will fulfill their promise of you becoming the next success story. Well, not so fast. Ask most users about the experience and you’ll likely be met by a chorus of sighs and grievances – the very cogs that keep the sprocket in motion.
Things have changed considerably since the concept became mainstream in the age of Web 2.0. No longer is meeting someone online taboo; it’s now the norm. Chalk that up to life in a world of technophiles. Numerous free and subscription apps host thousands of profiles from men and women eager to find a match. It’s overwhelming. And often, the level of perceived selection is at the base of the problem.
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(Photo Credit: Matthew Henry [CC0], burst.shopify.com)
Much of it boils down to a psychological theory known as the Paradox of Choice. In essence, a larger number of available options doesn’t necessarily lead to a greater level of contentment, but rather an inner conflict over determining what’s most important to us and the weighed costs of missed opportunities. Think about this: The average restaurant menu is only a few pages long. It’s fixed, pretty stable, and you can only be so finicky with your selection. That’s how society was previously structured: You naturally happened upon people, kept a certain lifestyle that managed their number, and were quickly taught to have reasonable expectations. People were usually happy with what was seen as their lot in life. Well, for the most part.
Then online dating came along. Suddenly, the menu unfurls like a scroll. Its scribblings seem to stretch out for miles. You want to read it all, but by the time you peruse one section another has changed. That’s where we are today. With so many men and women to sort through, people frequently find themselves looking for a reason to say “no” instead of “yes.” After all, that ideal profile that only exists in the imagination (or fiction writing) could be a mere swipe away. And if not, there’s always tomorrow. It becomes such a knee-jerk reaction that we can actually fool ourselves into believing app experience has made us more efficient and effective at judging candidates.
The internet’s hold comes from a not-so-subtle ability to keep us pining for the next thing. When shopping online, rarely can you focus on one item without noticing the site directing you toward another. It works great comparing items on retailers', where qualities are well defined and customer reviews provide some assurance. But applying the model to people's profiles quickly becomes reductionism.
- Typical scenario: Hmmh. This girl is attractive, lists she’s a secretary and would prefer a guy who makes over $50k. She also lists divorced with two kids. This other girl is not as attractive and is a veterinarian who lists no preference for income, never married with one kid. A third is the least attractive and is a corporate ladder climber who prefers a guy who makes over $100k and lists never married without any kids. Which one should we message?
Most would point to found commonalities in making the choice. As it turns out, nearly every woman likes going out but also staying in, has family and friends that are very important to her, and enjoys a good bottle of wine made better by traveling abroad. When she’s not reaching for a cork screw, the sun on her face with the sand beneath her feet is all she needs. Many also consider sarcasm their second language, while some remain mute writing nothing at all. So, for various reasons, photos drive most of the activity. With men averaging low response rates from women, it would seem the most effective approach is soliciting door-to-door of every interesting one. There’s a problem: “Hi,” “Hey,” and “How’s it going?” messages usually end up filed under ‘S’ for spam. That is, unless your last name is Stamos or Clooney. It takes some discernment and creativity to craft anything thoughtful with generic information. Even then, chances are your words will vanish like they’d set sail in one of those many empty wine bottles.
A salesman’s manner has its benefits, though. The detachment mitigates that cycle of hope and despair most noticeable when we focus on only one person.
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In an interesting parallel, the environment’s god-like view over the dating world has caused many to think higher of themselves and be more critical of others than they would in person. Candidates revolve around you and are brought forward or dismissed at your behest. Additional credit goes to the illusion of equal opportunity with every user on the site. In reality, if a girl was smiling in your direction and said “I look forward to hearing from you,” she’d seem an actual prospect. This isn’t the case online. She’s not really smiling at you or talking to anyone; it only seems that way. But the idea is enough to distort perception.
The marketing involved with dating profiles paints us in the most flattering light. If someone doesn’t write back, it must be that they’re:
1) More interested in pursuing others
2) A non-subscriber
3) Caught in the same paradox as everyone else
In any case, we're conditioned to trudge forward by the welcoming atmosphere, cherry-picking as we go. Meanwhile, we breeze over profiles that don’t survive our snap judgements, all under the guise of endless possibilities.
By shopping for people in the same fashion as products, we’ve unwittingly allowed the Amazon Effect to take hold in a new area. Mere knowledge of a digital catalog causes us to question whether what’s on the shelf is a better option than what’s online. Ease and convenience attract even the most outgoing personalities to the assured rewards the net has always afforded. But there’s a caveat here: unlike items, finding someone doesn’t guarantee you can “Add to Cart,” making this a unique and vexing online experience.
Further confusion comes from the way users present themselves according to the site. It’s no secret they migrate between them, sometimes setting up camp in many at once. Yet the narrative and visuals are usually geared toward different audiences. Niche venues are particularly susceptible. One might find users exaggerating their rustic side, while another has them polishing their halos. Turning the page may find them a bit more urban elsewhere, or more secular further on. While this might seem outright deceitful, it’s probably closer to the half-truths you’d expect trying to house the dynamic of a person within a condensed, artificial display.
In another disturbing turn of events, online dating has actually helped normalize not responding to people. We could trace that back to caller-ID, voice mail, or maybe even hand-written letters, but the practice has never been more pervasive than it is today. If you were to walk up to someone making a genuine effort to greet and engage, then not even receive acknowledgement, you’d think that person was rude. Yet in this realm it’s not only customary, it’s somewhat appropriate. And there are a number of reasons why.
Seeing a response in your inbox can be like a present waiting to be opened. Finding a simple “Thanks but no thanks” could compare to the package being empty. Let’s say the message is cordial, even though the person isn’t interested. Social cues from text are easy to misinterpret. When the truth becomes evident, it’ll be more deflating. Maybe there is credence behind those words “you have to be cruel to be kind.” Although, you have to wonder if embracing disregard strengthens our resilience or strips us of our humanity.
Despite these obstacles, people still bump into one another and find their other half. Sometimes. More often than not, it’s likely after they’ve finally had enough of the ride or see midnight approaching. Sites are always touting how well their services work by the number they’ve brought together. Then again, if you flock enough singles to the same space long enough, isn’t that bound to happen anywhere?
A carousel of smiling faces await on this digital roulette wheel and all its checkered spaces. For anyone looking to try their hand, hope your number’s under the dolly.
Then it's settled. We're going with "Athletic and toned."